So, hey, guess what? Next week I'm going to San Antonio :-) Yep! Next Wednesday, around noon, I'll be on my way to San Antonio for 4 days. Why, you may ask? I'm going for the TMEA All State concert. Me and several other people from Chamber Singers will leaving on Wednesday and coming home either Saturday night or Sunday morning. I am so excited! I went last year and I had such a great time, only this time will be different. This time, I will actually have a friend going with me :-) Nathan is going, and I'm really glad that he is. Last year all the people that went from our college I wasn't really friends with, but this year I've got Nathan, so that will be fun. I can't think of a better way to spend my Valentines Day weekend, hahaha. But seriously, it will be fun :-) San Antonio is such a beautiful city, and last year we stayed at a REALLY nice hotel, so I'm sure this year will be the same.
So, Valentines Day is coming up. Not gonna lie, I am extremely jealous of all my friends who have a boyfriend, and I'm even more jealous of my friends who are engaged. I try not to show it; I want to be happy for them, and I am happy for them. It's just... well, I guess I'm lonely. I know I shouldn't be complaining; there's this one guy who really likes me and who wants to be in a relationship with me, but... I'm scared to be in another relationship again, especially so soon after the recent break up. I'm scared to jump right into another relationship, because the last time I did that it didn't end well for me. So, I'm wanting to wait at least another month or two before I say yes to this guy. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to date him, I do. When I think about him and everything about him, he is my perfect guy. I guess what I'm scared about is... well, he's actually SERIOUS about a relationship with me, which really FREAKS ME OUT. I guess the reason why it scares me is because I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. And, when I say serious, I mean like "we're-going-to-talk-about-marriage" kind of serious. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, or if that's something that I even want.
Yeah, yeah, I know; the whole point of dating someone is to find the person who you want to marry. Don't lecture me about that, because I already know. I just don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship that is THAT committed. I tried that once, didn't work. And then I tried a relationship that was the complete opposite, and THAT didn't work out either. So what's a girl to do? I don't know. All I know right now is that I still have feelings for Travis, and I also know that I may kinda, sorta like this other guy who I know is NOT the kind of guy I should be dating (at least, when it comes to personal morals, no I shouldn't date him) and then there's this guy who really wants to date me.
We talked on chat the other day, me and the other guy. He eventually brought up the question that I kind of wanted to avoid but that I knew he was going to ask: "So, have you thought about the idea of us being in a relationship?" I told him that yes, I'd been thinking about it a lot, but that I needed more time. He respected that, and said to take all the time I needed. Now, this is where my guilty conscious kicks in to overdrive. I told him that I felt terrible doing this to him; I felt like I was leading him on by not giving him an answer, but that I still had feelings for my ex. He was totally okay with it (or so he said. I kind of get this feeling that he wasn't too happy with my answer) but I just don't want to start dating him when in reality I'm not over the last guy I dated. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to still be thinking about someone else while I'm in a relationship with him.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. In a nutshell, I can't wait for the trip to San Antonio, and I REALLY wish relationships weren't so f-ing complicated. Well, that's all for now. Until next time, ciao!
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