I heard this song on the radio today, and I fell in love with it :-) I want to dance to this at my wedding someday. enjoy!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Che cosa fa piu male
It hurts to see the three people you've had strong feelings for walk away from you... and knowing that you have to leave them behind and move on with your life.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Oggi è il giorno
We sang this song on Sunday in worship service :-) one of my favorite worship songs. enjoy!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Il mangiatore ultimo peccato, Dio e la vita in generale
I love my friends. I really do, especially my best friend, Brittney. She is my best friend, the person to whom I tell everything to, and I mean EVERYTHING. And lately, I've had a lot to tell her, and she has proven to me so many times how loyal, faithful and steadfast she is. It doesn't matter what I tell her, she still loves me, and I know that she will always be there for me. You may be thinking, "Gee, Erin, that's really nice and all, but... that was kind of a random statement." It may seem random, but really, it's not. What I am about to tell you may not make any sense to you, but I feel the need to share this with you, my dear readers. This past Saturday was Movie Night for my college Sunday School class. We try to all get together at least once a month to watch a movie, eat junk food, chill out and do whatever else we want. These nights always bring such happiness for me, and I wish they could happen more often than they do. Anyway, the movie we watched that night was one that none of us had ever heard of before (except Kayse, because it was her movie.) It was called "The Last Sin Eater", a movie based of a book by the same title that came out in 1998 (the movie was made in 2007, so it's not that old.)
I would love to tell you about the movie, but I think it would be best if you go look it up yourself. I know, I know, you're thinking I'm just too lazy to tell you about the movie. Well, I'm not. This is something that you need to see/read and experience for yourself. Go out and get the movie, or go out and get the book, because I can promise you, you won't be sorry for it. This movie really opened up my eyes to another view of God and His love for us, and if you're anything like me in anyway, then I know this movie will move you like it moved me.
And now, for the part that is going to be the hardest to write about. I feel like I really need to be open and honest about something. As some of you may know, I've been living a lifestyle lately that isn't exactly the kind of lifestyle a supposed child of God should be living: I screwed around with my last boyfriend and did things I never once in my life thought I would do with a guy outside of marriage, I made out several times with a guy I wasn't even dating, I started cussing and being very angry and bitter towards people, even my closest friends and anyone who tried to helped me. My views on relationships and marriage became a tangled web of truths, half-truths and lies, and I couldn't distinguish one from the other, but worst of all, I was slowly starting to turn my back on God and everything to do with church and the Bible. But then, something rather miraculous happened. People began to confront me about my change in behavior. First, I was confronted by a very good friend of mine. Then, it was my mother. It was after my mom called it to my attention that I began to get scared; was I really changing? Was I really turning into the person that everyone said I was becoming?
It didn't take but a few days after those confrontations that I too began to see in myself what everyone else was seeing: an ugly, filthy, horrible, slanderous and sex-hungry beast that everyone feared and didn't want to be anywhere close to. Maybe I'm over exaggerating all of that, but... when I looked in the mirror, that is what I saw. I didn't see the Erin that everyone talked about so fondly. I didn't see the Erin that was admired for her talent. And I definitely didn't see the Erin that professed to be a follower of Christ. I saw an Erin who had been overtaken by the world and everything that it wants me to be, that it tells me I should be. I saw an Erin who was suddenly willing to do anything to get what she wanted, even if it meant hurting other people or hurting herself. But worst of all, I saw an Erin who was believing all the lies that had been whispered to her for the last seven months; the lies about love and how it doesn't matter if you ever get married or ever find true happiness, but that as long as you can have some "fun", that's all that matters. The lies about relationships, and how in the end, they aren't worth anything. The lies about God; "How could He ever take you back no? Not after everything you've done. He doesn't love you anymore or want anything to do with a hypocrite like you." The lies about forgiveness; "You can never be forgiven, you might as well continue to live on in the darkness, because you can't be forgiven now." And the lies about life; "You will never find happiness in this life, because no one wants you for you, they just want what you can give them, but you're not even good at that." And, the lies about staying true to your beliefs; "It doesn't matter if this person shares your beliefs or not, as long as you can have some fun and as long as they make you happy, it doesn't matter in the end."
Those were the lies that I had listened to and believed for seven months. The lies that had ruled my life and transformed me into some kind of monster. I struggled with these issues for a few days, and then... Sunday morning came. I went to church, like any other Sunday, but this time I knew something was different. Something was going to happen, I could feel it. That morning, we sang several songs that really spoke to my heart, like the old hymn called "Great Is Thy Faithfulness", and the more contemporary song "Today is the Day". Then, pastor talked about The Courage of Encourage, a sermon about how to confront fellow believers when they stray from the Christian walk. Well, I don't think I need to say much more about that. I knew in my heart of hearts that God was calling me back. During a time of prayer, I sat down in my seat. My best friend, Brittney, sat down next to me and put her arms around me. I sat there, crying quietly, and praying to God that He would forgive me for screwing up my life, but I also had to ask the question,
"God... are You really there? I don't feel anything anymore; I try to pray and I feel like You're either ignoring me or You just aren't there. I don't know if You're real anymore." It was then I heard it, in my mind.
"I am as real as Brittney is."
I then began praying for God to never leave me; that I couldn't bear to see someone who said that they cared about me leave me ever again. And the voice said again.
"I never left. I was always waiting for you."
I can't begin to tell you how peaceful I felt then. Sure, I was still crying, because it hurt knowing that it had taken so long for me to fully realize how far I had fallen into the pit that I had dug myself. But... I felt so free and peaceful, and I knew that I truly had been forgiven. And that, my dear readers, is where I must leave you. And, it is also here where I highly recommend that you watch or read "The Last Sin Eater", because it was that movie that made me realize that yes, God can and will forgive you, no matter what you've done, because he sent someone to "eat" our sins, to redeem us of our sins and to set us free and offer us a new hope, a new life. Well, until next time, good night, my dear readers.
I would love to tell you about the movie, but I think it would be best if you go look it up yourself. I know, I know, you're thinking I'm just too lazy to tell you about the movie. Well, I'm not. This is something that you need to see/read and experience for yourself. Go out and get the movie, or go out and get the book, because I can promise you, you won't be sorry for it. This movie really opened up my eyes to another view of God and His love for us, and if you're anything like me in anyway, then I know this movie will move you like it moved me.
And now, for the part that is going to be the hardest to write about. I feel like I really need to be open and honest about something. As some of you may know, I've been living a lifestyle lately that isn't exactly the kind of lifestyle a supposed child of God should be living: I screwed around with my last boyfriend and did things I never once in my life thought I would do with a guy outside of marriage, I made out several times with a guy I wasn't even dating, I started cussing and being very angry and bitter towards people, even my closest friends and anyone who tried to helped me. My views on relationships and marriage became a tangled web of truths, half-truths and lies, and I couldn't distinguish one from the other, but worst of all, I was slowly starting to turn my back on God and everything to do with church and the Bible. But then, something rather miraculous happened. People began to confront me about my change in behavior. First, I was confronted by a very good friend of mine. Then, it was my mother. It was after my mom called it to my attention that I began to get scared; was I really changing? Was I really turning into the person that everyone said I was becoming?
It didn't take but a few days after those confrontations that I too began to see in myself what everyone else was seeing: an ugly, filthy, horrible, slanderous and sex-hungry beast that everyone feared and didn't want to be anywhere close to. Maybe I'm over exaggerating all of that, but... when I looked in the mirror, that is what I saw. I didn't see the Erin that everyone talked about so fondly. I didn't see the Erin that was admired for her talent. And I definitely didn't see the Erin that professed to be a follower of Christ. I saw an Erin who had been overtaken by the world and everything that it wants me to be, that it tells me I should be. I saw an Erin who was suddenly willing to do anything to get what she wanted, even if it meant hurting other people or hurting herself. But worst of all, I saw an Erin who was believing all the lies that had been whispered to her for the last seven months; the lies about love and how it doesn't matter if you ever get married or ever find true happiness, but that as long as you can have some "fun", that's all that matters. The lies about relationships, and how in the end, they aren't worth anything. The lies about God; "How could He ever take you back no? Not after everything you've done. He doesn't love you anymore or want anything to do with a hypocrite like you." The lies about forgiveness; "You can never be forgiven, you might as well continue to live on in the darkness, because you can't be forgiven now." And the lies about life; "You will never find happiness in this life, because no one wants you for you, they just want what you can give them, but you're not even good at that." And, the lies about staying true to your beliefs; "It doesn't matter if this person shares your beliefs or not, as long as you can have some fun and as long as they make you happy, it doesn't matter in the end."
Those were the lies that I had listened to and believed for seven months. The lies that had ruled my life and transformed me into some kind of monster. I struggled with these issues for a few days, and then... Sunday morning came. I went to church, like any other Sunday, but this time I knew something was different. Something was going to happen, I could feel it. That morning, we sang several songs that really spoke to my heart, like the old hymn called "Great Is Thy Faithfulness", and the more contemporary song "Today is the Day". Then, pastor talked about The Courage of Encourage, a sermon about how to confront fellow believers when they stray from the Christian walk. Well, I don't think I need to say much more about that. I knew in my heart of hearts that God was calling me back. During a time of prayer, I sat down in my seat. My best friend, Brittney, sat down next to me and put her arms around me. I sat there, crying quietly, and praying to God that He would forgive me for screwing up my life, but I also had to ask the question,
"God... are You really there? I don't feel anything anymore; I try to pray and I feel like You're either ignoring me or You just aren't there. I don't know if You're real anymore." It was then I heard it, in my mind.
"I am as real as Brittney is."
I then began praying for God to never leave me; that I couldn't bear to see someone who said that they cared about me leave me ever again. And the voice said again.
"I never left. I was always waiting for you."
I can't begin to tell you how peaceful I felt then. Sure, I was still crying, because it hurt knowing that it had taken so long for me to fully realize how far I had fallen into the pit that I had dug myself. But... I felt so free and peaceful, and I knew that I truly had been forgiven. And that, my dear readers, is where I must leave you. And, it is also here where I highly recommend that you watch or read "The Last Sin Eater", because it was that movie that made me realize that yes, God can and will forgive you, no matter what you've done, because he sent someone to "eat" our sins, to redeem us of our sins and to set us free and offer us a new hope, a new life. Well, until next time, good night, my dear readers.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Nato in questo modo
So, a lot has happened since I made my last post. First of all, I am once again in a relationship (yeah, I know what you're thinking, "Well... that didn't take long." Yeah, yeah, I know, but some guys move faster than others, and this one certainly did.) I'm currently dating a nice young man named Alex. I've known him for almost 4 years now, and even though we hardly ever see each other (he lives in Katy, which from where I live is practically on the other side of the world) we're still good friends, and even though I have had my doubts about if/how our relationship is going to work out because we both live so far apart, I think that it can work if we're both committed to making it work. This will most definitely be a new experience for me, having a semi-long-distance relationship, so we'll see how this all plays out.
Also, apparently a lot of people are worried and concerned about me. Apparently, they say I've "changed" and that I'm not the girl they used to know. Well, you know what? Let me just clear something up here. If you happen to be one of those people, then please pay close attention. It's called "growing up", and if you have a problem with that, come talk to me. Don't go talking behind my back, come talk to me in person, to my face, and tell me why you're concerned about me. I heard a few days ago from a person who I thought was my friend, but apparently can't be my friend anymore because I've "changed" so much, and this person told me that other people have been talking very negatively about me. This so called "friend" of mine said that they are extremely disappointed in me to see me go down such a "dark path" and that I'm not the person they thought they knew. You know what I said to this person? "If you don't like me, then don't be my friend. Simple as that." And that goes for anyone else out there who doesn't like me for who I am, and if you have "concerns" about me, come tell me to my face. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. And no, I'm not going to rip your face off or eat you if you come talk to me. I may come off that way, but if you really know me, you know that I won't scream or make a scene or anything. I'm just sayin.
Anyway, I heard this song on the radio a few days ago, and when I looked up the lyrics, I knew that this was my theme song, especially at this point in my life where obviously it's a crime to change and grow up. Enjoy!
Also, apparently a lot of people are worried and concerned about me. Apparently, they say I've "changed" and that I'm not the girl they used to know. Well, you know what? Let me just clear something up here. If you happen to be one of those people, then please pay close attention. It's called "growing up", and if you have a problem with that, come talk to me. Don't go talking behind my back, come talk to me in person, to my face, and tell me why you're concerned about me. I heard a few days ago from a person who I thought was my friend, but apparently can't be my friend anymore because I've "changed" so much, and this person told me that other people have been talking very negatively about me. This so called "friend" of mine said that they are extremely disappointed in me to see me go down such a "dark path" and that I'm not the person they thought they knew. You know what I said to this person? "If you don't like me, then don't be my friend. Simple as that." And that goes for anyone else out there who doesn't like me for who I am, and if you have "concerns" about me, come tell me to my face. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. And no, I'm not going to rip your face off or eat you if you come talk to me. I may come off that way, but if you really know me, you know that I won't scream or make a scene or anything. I'm just sayin.
Anyway, I heard this song on the radio a few days ago, and when I looked up the lyrics, I knew that this was my theme song, especially at this point in my life where obviously it's a crime to change and grow up. Enjoy!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Caro giorno di San Valentino, cupido, amore, coppia felice e la vita
If I could send these letters, I totally would. Sorry for the colorful language, but it's just how I'm feeling at the moment. Happy Singles Awareness Day, everyone.
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Dear Valentine's Day -
F*** YOU!!!
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Cupid -
Go die in a ditch, you little bastard.
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Love -
Please stop screwing me over. When you're ready for me, let me know. Until then... F*** YOU!!!
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Happy Couples -
It would be greatly appreciated it if you would keep all of your lovey-dovey s*** off of Facebook, just for today. No one gives a d*** about your relationship with the person you are dating/engaged/married to. Please be considerate of those of us who have had zero luck in the Romance department. We really don't give a f*** about how amazing, wonderful and perfect your significant other is, and we definitely don't want to hear about how awesome and wonderful your Valentine's Day was. Keep that s*** off of Facebook, at least for one day. I'm just sayin. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Life -
You suck. Simple as that.
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Valentine's Day -
F*** YOU!!!
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Cupid -
Go die in a ditch, you little bastard.
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Love -
Please stop screwing me over. When you're ready for me, let me know. Until then... F*** YOU!!!
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Happy Couples -
It would be greatly appreciated it if you would keep all of your lovey-dovey s*** off of Facebook, just for today. No one gives a d*** about your relationship with the person you are dating/engaged/married to. Please be considerate of those of us who have had zero luck in the Romance department. We really don't give a f*** about how amazing, wonderful and perfect your significant other is, and we definitely don't want to hear about how awesome and wonderful your Valentine's Day was. Keep that s*** off of Facebook, at least for one day. I'm just sayin. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
Erin.
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Dear Life -
You suck. Simple as that.
Sincerely,
Erin.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Sono tornato a casa... Ma io non voglio essere...
Well, I'm back home... but I don't want to be. I had such an amazing time in San Antonio. I had forgotten how beautiful that city is, and how breath-taking the Riverwalk is, especially at night. Yes, it was cold, and that kind of put a damper on things, but we (meaning myself and everyone from the Chamber Singers) was inside for most of the day, so we didn't have to worry about the cold too much. It was when we went walking around downtown and going on the Riverwalk that we had to worry about the cold, but fortunately I had thought ahead, and had brought with me some gloves, my scarf and 2 jackets, hahaha, so I was prepared. But, all in all, I had a great time. The director who worked with us for the 4 days was really amazing; I liked his directing style, and he made the rehearsing process a lot more bearable, and even really fun at some points. We had the concert this afternoon, and it was AMAZING. We sounded fantastic, and the room we were in had fabulous acoustics, so that made it even better. I had such a great time on this trip; hanging out with some awesome people, singing beautiful music, staying in a nice hotel, being in an absolutely beautiful city, and growing closer to a good friend.
So, this is where I explain why I'm not really happy to be back home. Well, for one, this means I have to go back to school on Monday and I'm exhausted. Also, I won't be able to go to church tomorrow because I have to stay home to catch up on all the homework that I missed while I was gone, which really sucks. And, I know this is going to sound terrible, but I really don't want to be home these days, but I also don't want to be at school and sometimes I don't even want to be at church. When I'm around my choir friends, especially Nathan, I find myself really opening up. I am able to take off my mask of "I'm fine, everything's great, life is wonderful" and I can actually be myself. At home, at school, at church, I'm a totally and completely different person. I am who everyone wants and expects me to be; the sweet, caring, warm, loving, innocent, and naive girl that everyone has come to know and love. Well, newsflash for you, people, that's not me. Not the real me, anyway. Few people in my life have ever come slightly close to knowing the real me, and when I say few I mean, like, maybe 5. Maybe. And trust me, they didn't know the real me until I felt sure that I could trust them enough to let them see the real me. These people have seen every side of me that there is; all the good, the bad and especially the ugly.
And, I know this is going to sound crazy, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining, but this has become more of a problem now than anything. I have 3 guys that like me. One who lives in India (don't ask, that's a long story, one that I'll tell later on), Alex, and Nathan. The guy in India I have only talked to on Skype and on Facebook, and we've had 2 conversations on Skype and he's apparently "in love" with me, or some other BS nonsense like that. That part is complicated, and I don't want to hurt the poor guy by telling him it will never work out because he's so sweet, and I hate hurting people, no matter who they are. Then there's Alex. We haven't talked much (we texted each other a bit while I was in San Antonio, but that's about it) and from what it sounds like, he is still very much liking the idea of him and I dating. That part is also complicated, for various reasons. And then... there's Nathan. Oh Lord, have mercy... And here, my dear readers, is where it gets REALLY complicated. I think I might like him. Yeah, weird huh? I actually really didn't see this coming, as strange as that may sound. And I say "I think" because I'm not really sure yet. These emotions could really just be coming from the fact that I just went through a break up and so now I'm looking for someone, ANYONE, to be with, which is why I'm hesitant to think that I might actually, genuinely like him. I mean, yeah, I like Nathan as a friend, and he really cares about me. He's a good guy, despite what a lot of people may think about him.
So yeah, I honestly have no f-ing idea what I'm going to do. I know all of that probably doesn't sound complicated or anything, but it goes so much deeper than the fact that some guys like me. I'm terrified to trust someone again. I am scared to get into another relationship with anyone because I'm afraid that it's just going to end like the last 2 have, and I just don't think I could take that, not now. And, in all honesty, I'm wondering if I even should get myself involved in anymore relationships. At this point in my life, I think I can safely say that I'm not ready for any kind of long-term relationship, and by long-term I mean, a relationship that is for sure going to end in marriage. I definitely am not ready for that yet. In all honesty, I think I'd rather just go out and date a bunch of guys and just have fun. No serious commitment, no pressure to think about marriage or kids or a future together. Just fun. Just trying to figure out what I might possibly want in a future partner, if I even want one any time in the distant future. I know that sounds bad, I know; a girl who isn't interested in marriage or having kids, just looking for fun. But... I just don't think marriage is right for me. I'm not saying I'm going to go move in with somebody and screw around, no, that's dumb, and I'm not entirely dumb. I'm just saying that marriage might work for some people, but maybe it's not for me.
See, this is why I wish I was back in San Antonio right now. Right about now is when I would be outside down by the river that goes past our hotel, taking pictures and probably talking and chilling out (literally, it was f-ing cold at night there) with Nathan. And then, eventually when we both got too cold we would go back into our rooms and go to sleep so we could wake up about 7 the next morning and get ready to go to rehearsal with everyone else. Now that, my friends, is what I like to call "the life"; no worries about schoolwork, no freaking out about getting my homework done or getting my scripts/music memorized, a good friend to talk to about anything and everything, and being in an absolutely gorgeous city, with nothing to worry about except what the next's day's rehearsal is going to be like and what we'll have for lunch tomorrow. I really wish I was back there. I don't want to be here, stuck in this house, surrounded by all these issues, conflicts and all the other problems of my life.I just want it all to go away, or better yet, for me to go away and leave all of this behind me.
But, I won't do that. I can't do that. For one, I don't have the money it would take for me to get a place of my own, especially in someplace like San Antonio (that place is expensive) and I can't just leave all of my friends and family behind. They would hate it if I just packed up and left, and I know people would give me hell for it too. So, I'm not going to do that, that's out of the question. But... I don't know what else to do anymore. It feels like I struggle every day just to try and get through the day with as little drama and other crap as possible, and it's getting very hard to deal with and there's not that many people who I feel that I can talk to about what I'm going through, which is why I've taken to writing in here so often and making such long posts because I have so much that I need to get off my mind just so I can maybe sleep at night. But, anyway, it's getting late and even though I'm not going to church tomorrow, I still need to try and get up kind of early so I can get my homework done, at least the math stuff completely finished before I have "Zaney" rehearsal at 2, and then I have work at 4:30 (yeah, Ms. Brenda is not going to like that fact that I've missed one rehearsal and now the day I come back I have to leave early to get to work... yeah, that's not going to go over well, I think.)
Anyway, I need to go to sleep. I'm tired as hell and I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Until next time, my dear readers, ciao!
So, this is where I explain why I'm not really happy to be back home. Well, for one, this means I have to go back to school on Monday and I'm exhausted. Also, I won't be able to go to church tomorrow because I have to stay home to catch up on all the homework that I missed while I was gone, which really sucks. And, I know this is going to sound terrible, but I really don't want to be home these days, but I also don't want to be at school and sometimes I don't even want to be at church. When I'm around my choir friends, especially Nathan, I find myself really opening up. I am able to take off my mask of "I'm fine, everything's great, life is wonderful" and I can actually be myself. At home, at school, at church, I'm a totally and completely different person. I am who everyone wants and expects me to be; the sweet, caring, warm, loving, innocent, and naive girl that everyone has come to know and love. Well, newsflash for you, people, that's not me. Not the real me, anyway. Few people in my life have ever come slightly close to knowing the real me, and when I say few I mean, like, maybe 5. Maybe. And trust me, they didn't know the real me until I felt sure that I could trust them enough to let them see the real me. These people have seen every side of me that there is; all the good, the bad and especially the ugly.
And, I know this is going to sound crazy, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining, but this has become more of a problem now than anything. I have 3 guys that like me. One who lives in India (don't ask, that's a long story, one that I'll tell later on), Alex, and Nathan. The guy in India I have only talked to on Skype and on Facebook, and we've had 2 conversations on Skype and he's apparently "in love" with me, or some other BS nonsense like that. That part is complicated, and I don't want to hurt the poor guy by telling him it will never work out because he's so sweet, and I hate hurting people, no matter who they are. Then there's Alex. We haven't talked much (we texted each other a bit while I was in San Antonio, but that's about it) and from what it sounds like, he is still very much liking the idea of him and I dating. That part is also complicated, for various reasons. And then... there's Nathan. Oh Lord, have mercy... And here, my dear readers, is where it gets REALLY complicated. I think I might like him. Yeah, weird huh? I actually really didn't see this coming, as strange as that may sound. And I say "I think" because I'm not really sure yet. These emotions could really just be coming from the fact that I just went through a break up and so now I'm looking for someone, ANYONE, to be with, which is why I'm hesitant to think that I might actually, genuinely like him. I mean, yeah, I like Nathan as a friend, and he really cares about me. He's a good guy, despite what a lot of people may think about him.
So yeah, I honestly have no f-ing idea what I'm going to do. I know all of that probably doesn't sound complicated or anything, but it goes so much deeper than the fact that some guys like me. I'm terrified to trust someone again. I am scared to get into another relationship with anyone because I'm afraid that it's just going to end like the last 2 have, and I just don't think I could take that, not now. And, in all honesty, I'm wondering if I even should get myself involved in anymore relationships. At this point in my life, I think I can safely say that I'm not ready for any kind of long-term relationship, and by long-term I mean, a relationship that is for sure going to end in marriage. I definitely am not ready for that yet. In all honesty, I think I'd rather just go out and date a bunch of guys and just have fun. No serious commitment, no pressure to think about marriage or kids or a future together. Just fun. Just trying to figure out what I might possibly want in a future partner, if I even want one any time in the distant future. I know that sounds bad, I know; a girl who isn't interested in marriage or having kids, just looking for fun. But... I just don't think marriage is right for me. I'm not saying I'm going to go move in with somebody and screw around, no, that's dumb, and I'm not entirely dumb. I'm just saying that marriage might work for some people, but maybe it's not for me.
See, this is why I wish I was back in San Antonio right now. Right about now is when I would be outside down by the river that goes past our hotel, taking pictures and probably talking and chilling out (literally, it was f-ing cold at night there) with Nathan. And then, eventually when we both got too cold we would go back into our rooms and go to sleep so we could wake up about 7 the next morning and get ready to go to rehearsal with everyone else. Now that, my friends, is what I like to call "the life"; no worries about schoolwork, no freaking out about getting my homework done or getting my scripts/music memorized, a good friend to talk to about anything and everything, and being in an absolutely gorgeous city, with nothing to worry about except what the next's day's rehearsal is going to be like and what we'll have for lunch tomorrow. I really wish I was back there. I don't want to be here, stuck in this house, surrounded by all these issues, conflicts and all the other problems of my life.I just want it all to go away, or better yet, for me to go away and leave all of this behind me.
But, I won't do that. I can't do that. For one, I don't have the money it would take for me to get a place of my own, especially in someplace like San Antonio (that place is expensive) and I can't just leave all of my friends and family behind. They would hate it if I just packed up and left, and I know people would give me hell for it too. So, I'm not going to do that, that's out of the question. But... I don't know what else to do anymore. It feels like I struggle every day just to try and get through the day with as little drama and other crap as possible, and it's getting very hard to deal with and there's not that many people who I feel that I can talk to about what I'm going through, which is why I've taken to writing in here so often and making such long posts because I have so much that I need to get off my mind just so I can maybe sleep at night. But, anyway, it's getting late and even though I'm not going to church tomorrow, I still need to try and get up kind of early so I can get my homework done, at least the math stuff completely finished before I have "Zaney" rehearsal at 2, and then I have work at 4:30 (yeah, Ms. Brenda is not going to like that fact that I've missed one rehearsal and now the day I come back I have to leave early to get to work... yeah, that's not going to go over well, I think.)
Anyway, I need to go to sleep. I'm tired as hell and I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Until next time, my dear readers, ciao!
Firework
Lucy, I'm home! Hahaha, yep, that's right, folks, I'm back from San Antonio :) I had an absolutely wonderful time, and I can't wait to tell you all more about it. But, for now, I'm just gonna post this song. Yes, I realize a lot of people think this is an overrated song, but I love it, and when I got in my car to go home after Dr. Miller dropped us off at the school, I turned on the radio and this song was playing, which I thought was completely fitting for that moment :) anyway, here ya go!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
San Antonio, Guys, Life and Other Stuff
Well, for starters, can I just say I'm ready for a few days away from the insanity known as my life? I am very much looking forward to this trip to San Antonio, for multiple reasons. One, I want to get away from school for a few days. I know, I just had a 3 day weekend (thanks to the "snow day") but my day at school today reminded me how much work I have to do this semester. I hate Mondays with a burning passion, and today was no exception. So, I'm looking forward to 4 days with no homework. Also, I'm looking forward to just being somewhere different, somewhere new. I desperately need a change of scenery. San Antonio is such a beautiful city, especially the Riverwalk. It's beautiful at night; all lit up, the water reflecting the lights. It's breath-taking. And I have another reason. I'm also looking forward to getting to spend some time with Nathan, because ever since the "incident" last year, our friendship has made a slow but steady renewal, which I am happy about. Nathan is a good friend; he cares about me, he's always looking out for me and wants me to be happy. I couldn't ask for a better guyfriend.
And... that's my problem. Suddenly, it seems that some of my guyfriends have started taking an "interest" in me, and it's REALLY weird. Flattering, yes, but also WEIRD. And I love how they all seem to have the "best" timing; right smack dab in the middle of a super-busy Spring semester of my Sophomore year in college... yeah, brilliant timing. And, also, on top of that I just came off another break-up almost 2 months ago, so my feelings and emotions and everything are all very jumbled, tangled and discombobulated right now. Part of me has hesitated about dating again because, honestly, I'm tired of all the BS that comes with relationships, all the drama (of course, I pity the poor guys who have dated me. I am the embodiment of drama and it follows me everywhere. Those poor, unfortunate souls.)
I wish I could say my life is going great, but I can't because that would be lying. And I can't say that it's going bad, because it could always be a hell of a lot worse, I know. But... it seems to me that the more people I become friends with, and the more people I know, the more I feel isolated and alone. The more I'm around other people, the more I have to fake my happiness. The more friends I get, the more I find myself giving advice, and the more I give advice to my friends, the more I feel the need to push aside my own feelings and help those around me. I've been trying lately to keep my mouth shut when people ask how I'm doing. I mean, sure, I answer; I say, "Fine" or "Good, and how are you?" but I don't dare open my mouth and say everything that I've been going through. I feel like I annoy people when I tell them what's on my mind; I feel like a burden to my friends, because it seems like SOMETHING is always going on with me (hence why I am the embodiment of drama.)
I can't wait for tomorrow. We're leaving for San Antonio around 11:45 in the morning, which means I'll be missing Piano class, and part of Music Lit. Thursday I'll miss Ballet and Friday I'll be missing Math, Ear Training, Theory and Music Lit. I've already informed my ballet teacher that I won't be in class on Thursday, and I'm going to tell my math teacher tomorrow that I won't be in class on Friday (I sent both of them an email about it too, just to make sure I cover all my bases and they can't say that I didn't tell them that I wouldn't be in class those days.)
Well, I've got to go pack now (yeah, I haven't even started my packing, hahaha.) Well, until next time, my dear readers. Ciao!
And... that's my problem. Suddenly, it seems that some of my guyfriends have started taking an "interest" in me, and it's REALLY weird. Flattering, yes, but also WEIRD. And I love how they all seem to have the "best" timing; right smack dab in the middle of a super-busy Spring semester of my Sophomore year in college... yeah, brilliant timing. And, also, on top of that I just came off another break-up almost 2 months ago, so my feelings and emotions and everything are all very jumbled, tangled and discombobulated right now. Part of me has hesitated about dating again because, honestly, I'm tired of all the BS that comes with relationships, all the drama (of course, I pity the poor guys who have dated me. I am the embodiment of drama and it follows me everywhere. Those poor, unfortunate souls.)
I wish I could say my life is going great, but I can't because that would be lying. And I can't say that it's going bad, because it could always be a hell of a lot worse, I know. But... it seems to me that the more people I become friends with, and the more people I know, the more I feel isolated and alone. The more I'm around other people, the more I have to fake my happiness. The more friends I get, the more I find myself giving advice, and the more I give advice to my friends, the more I feel the need to push aside my own feelings and help those around me. I've been trying lately to keep my mouth shut when people ask how I'm doing. I mean, sure, I answer; I say, "Fine" or "Good, and how are you?" but I don't dare open my mouth and say everything that I've been going through. I feel like I annoy people when I tell them what's on my mind; I feel like a burden to my friends, because it seems like SOMETHING is always going on with me (hence why I am the embodiment of drama.)
I can't wait for tomorrow. We're leaving for San Antonio around 11:45 in the morning, which means I'll be missing Piano class, and part of Music Lit. Thursday I'll miss Ballet and Friday I'll be missing Math, Ear Training, Theory and Music Lit. I've already informed my ballet teacher that I won't be in class on Thursday, and I'm going to tell my math teacher tomorrow that I won't be in class on Friday (I sent both of them an email about it too, just to make sure I cover all my bases and they can't say that I didn't tell them that I wouldn't be in class those days.)
Well, I've got to go pack now (yeah, I haven't even started my packing, hahaha.) Well, until next time, my dear readers. Ciao!
Circondato ma da solo
Surrounded but
Alone.
That is how I feel.
I am surrounded by so many
People;
Friends who love me and support me,
A family that loves and encourages me,
Teachers who want only the best for me,
And total strangers who don't even know me.
Every day,
I am surrounded by people.
All kinds of people, and yet...
I feel
Alone.
Hopelessly, helplessly, and endlessly
Alone.
I try to smile and be happy;
I try to keep up my act of "I'm perfectly fine"
But...
Every day, it's getting harder and harder to
Fake it.
I try to forget the past...
I try to forget
You...
But I can't.
The more we talk, the more we connect, the more I
Miss you.
The more I see you, the more I hear your voice, see your face,
The more I
Want to be with you
Again.
I see you smile and wish that I could be the reason for that
Smile.
I hear you laugh and wish that it could be me who makes you laugh
Again.
I look you in the eyes, and I hope to God that you can't see the
Pain
I'm in; how much I
Want
You again.
I don't want you to see me like this, in this pain, because I want you to
Move on
And be with whoever makes you happy...
But...
I want to be that person.
I want to be the one to make you happy.
I can't talk to anyone.
I can't.
No one seems to understand me.
I try to talk, but everyone pushes my feelings aside, like they're
Nothing.
Everyone tries to help me;
They try to get me to think of other things, get my mind off the
Past.
But it doesn't do any good.
Nothing helps.
I see couples together and I think to myself,
"What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
Why?
Why?
Why?"
I am surrounded by people.
I am loved by so many people.
So...
Why?
Why do I feel so
Alone?
Why?
I don't want to be alone forever, but...
I think forever has already arrived.
Alone.
That is how I feel.
I am surrounded by so many
People;
Friends who love me and support me,
A family that loves and encourages me,
Teachers who want only the best for me,
And total strangers who don't even know me.
Every day,
I am surrounded by people.
All kinds of people, and yet...
I feel
Alone.
Hopelessly, helplessly, and endlessly
Alone.
I try to smile and be happy;
I try to keep up my act of "I'm perfectly fine"
But...
Every day, it's getting harder and harder to
Fake it.
I try to forget the past...
I try to forget
You...
But I can't.
The more we talk, the more we connect, the more I
Miss you.
The more I see you, the more I hear your voice, see your face,
The more I
Want to be with you
Again.
I see you smile and wish that I could be the reason for that
Smile.
I hear you laugh and wish that it could be me who makes you laugh
Again.
I look you in the eyes, and I hope to God that you can't see the
Pain
I'm in; how much I
Want
You again.
I don't want you to see me like this, in this pain, because I want you to
Move on
And be with whoever makes you happy...
But...
I want to be that person.
I want to be the one to make you happy.
I can't talk to anyone.
I can't.
No one seems to understand me.
I try to talk, but everyone pushes my feelings aside, like they're
Nothing.
Everyone tries to help me;
They try to get me to think of other things, get my mind off the
Past.
But it doesn't do any good.
Nothing helps.
I see couples together and I think to myself,
"What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
Why?
Why?
Why?"
I am surrounded by people.
I am loved by so many people.
So...
Why?
Why do I feel so
Alone?
Why?
I don't want to be alone forever, but...
I think forever has already arrived.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Vieni a trovarmi pronto
This is a song I'm doing this semester is my private voice lesson. I love how my teacher always seems to pick at least one song that describes where I'm at in my personal life (he is either psychic, or he is stalking me, one of the two, hahaha) and this song definitely struck a chord with me.
Come Ready And See Me
Come ready and see me, no matter how late.
Come before the years run out.
I'm waiting with a candle, no wind will blow out.
But you must haste on foot or by sky,
For no one can wait forever under the bluest sky.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
I'm waiting with a candle, no wind will blow out.
But you must haste on foot or by sky,
For no one can wait forever under the bluest sky.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
This video is a recording of a choir singing this song (couldn't find any decent videos of a soloist singing it) so this will have to do. enjoy
Come Ready And See Me
Come ready and see me, no matter how late.
Come before the years run out.
I'm waiting with a candle, no wind will blow out.
But you must haste on foot or by sky,
For no one can wait forever under the bluest sky.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
I'm waiting with a candle, no wind will blow out.
But you must haste on foot or by sky,
For no one can wait forever under the bluest sky.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
I can't wait forever, for the years are running out.
This video is a recording of a choir singing this song (couldn't find any decent videos of a soloist singing it) so this will have to do. enjoy
Friday, February 4, 2011
San Antonio, Amore, e altre cose
So, hey, guess what? Next week I'm going to San Antonio :-) Yep! Next Wednesday, around noon, I'll be on my way to San Antonio for 4 days. Why, you may ask? I'm going for the TMEA All State concert. Me and several other people from Chamber Singers will leaving on Wednesday and coming home either Saturday night or Sunday morning. I am so excited! I went last year and I had such a great time, only this time will be different. This time, I will actually have a friend going with me :-) Nathan is going, and I'm really glad that he is. Last year all the people that went from our college I wasn't really friends with, but this year I've got Nathan, so that will be fun. I can't think of a better way to spend my Valentines Day weekend, hahaha. But seriously, it will be fun :-) San Antonio is such a beautiful city, and last year we stayed at a REALLY nice hotel, so I'm sure this year will be the same.
So, Valentines Day is coming up. Not gonna lie, I am extremely jealous of all my friends who have a boyfriend, and I'm even more jealous of my friends who are engaged. I try not to show it; I want to be happy for them, and I am happy for them. It's just... well, I guess I'm lonely. I know I shouldn't be complaining; there's this one guy who really likes me and who wants to be in a relationship with me, but... I'm scared to be in another relationship again, especially so soon after the recent break up. I'm scared to jump right into another relationship, because the last time I did that it didn't end well for me. So, I'm wanting to wait at least another month or two before I say yes to this guy. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to date him, I do. When I think about him and everything about him, he is my perfect guy. I guess what I'm scared about is... well, he's actually SERIOUS about a relationship with me, which really FREAKS ME OUT. I guess the reason why it scares me is because I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. And, when I say serious, I mean like "we're-going-to-talk-about-marriage" kind of serious. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, or if that's something that I even want.
Yeah, yeah, I know; the whole point of dating someone is to find the person who you want to marry. Don't lecture me about that, because I already know. I just don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship that is THAT committed. I tried that once, didn't work. And then I tried a relationship that was the complete opposite, and THAT didn't work out either. So what's a girl to do? I don't know. All I know right now is that I still have feelings for Travis, and I also know that I may kinda, sorta like this other guy who I know is NOT the kind of guy I should be dating (at least, when it comes to personal morals, no I shouldn't date him) and then there's this guy who really wants to date me.
We talked on chat the other day, me and the other guy. He eventually brought up the question that I kind of wanted to avoid but that I knew he was going to ask: "So, have you thought about the idea of us being in a relationship?" I told him that yes, I'd been thinking about it a lot, but that I needed more time. He respected that, and said to take all the time I needed. Now, this is where my guilty conscious kicks in to overdrive. I told him that I felt terrible doing this to him; I felt like I was leading him on by not giving him an answer, but that I still had feelings for my ex. He was totally okay with it (or so he said. I kind of get this feeling that he wasn't too happy with my answer) but I just don't want to start dating him when in reality I'm not over the last guy I dated. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to still be thinking about someone else while I'm in a relationship with him.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. In a nutshell, I can't wait for the trip to San Antonio, and I REALLY wish relationships weren't so f-ing complicated. Well, that's all for now. Until next time, ciao!
So, Valentines Day is coming up. Not gonna lie, I am extremely jealous of all my friends who have a boyfriend, and I'm even more jealous of my friends who are engaged. I try not to show it; I want to be happy for them, and I am happy for them. It's just... well, I guess I'm lonely. I know I shouldn't be complaining; there's this one guy who really likes me and who wants to be in a relationship with me, but... I'm scared to be in another relationship again, especially so soon after the recent break up. I'm scared to jump right into another relationship, because the last time I did that it didn't end well for me. So, I'm wanting to wait at least another month or two before I say yes to this guy. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to date him, I do. When I think about him and everything about him, he is my perfect guy. I guess what I'm scared about is... well, he's actually SERIOUS about a relationship with me, which really FREAKS ME OUT. I guess the reason why it scares me is because I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. And, when I say serious, I mean like "we're-going-to-talk-about-marriage" kind of serious. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, or if that's something that I even want.
Yeah, yeah, I know; the whole point of dating someone is to find the person who you want to marry. Don't lecture me about that, because I already know. I just don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship that is THAT committed. I tried that once, didn't work. And then I tried a relationship that was the complete opposite, and THAT didn't work out either. So what's a girl to do? I don't know. All I know right now is that I still have feelings for Travis, and I also know that I may kinda, sorta like this other guy who I know is NOT the kind of guy I should be dating (at least, when it comes to personal morals, no I shouldn't date him) and then there's this guy who really wants to date me.
We talked on chat the other day, me and the other guy. He eventually brought up the question that I kind of wanted to avoid but that I knew he was going to ask: "So, have you thought about the idea of us being in a relationship?" I told him that yes, I'd been thinking about it a lot, but that I needed more time. He respected that, and said to take all the time I needed. Now, this is where my guilty conscious kicks in to overdrive. I told him that I felt terrible doing this to him; I felt like I was leading him on by not giving him an answer, but that I still had feelings for my ex. He was totally okay with it (or so he said. I kind of get this feeling that he wasn't too happy with my answer) but I just don't want to start dating him when in reality I'm not over the last guy I dated. It wouldn't be fair to him for me to still be thinking about someone else while I'm in a relationship with him.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me. In a nutshell, I can't wait for the trip to San Antonio, and I REALLY wish relationships weren't so f-ing complicated. Well, that's all for now. Until next time, ciao!
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