I love my friends. I really do, especially my best friend, Brittney. She is my best friend, the person to whom I tell everything to, and I mean EVERYTHING. And lately, I've had a lot to tell her, and she has proven to me so many times how loyal, faithful and steadfast she is. It doesn't matter what I tell her, she still loves me, and I know that she will always be there for me. You may be thinking, "Gee, Erin, that's really nice and all, but... that was kind of a random statement." It may seem random, but really, it's not. What I am about to tell you may not make any sense to you, but I feel the need to share this with you, my dear readers. This past Saturday was Movie Night for my college Sunday School class. We try to all get together at least once a month to watch a movie, eat junk food, chill out and do whatever else we want. These nights always bring such happiness for me, and I wish they could happen more often than they do. Anyway, the movie we watched that night was one that none of us had ever heard of before (except Kayse, because it was her movie.) It was called "The Last Sin Eater", a movie based of a book by the same title that came out in 1998 (the movie was made in 2007, so it's not that old.)
I would love to tell you about the movie, but I think it would be best if you go look it up yourself. I know, I know, you're thinking I'm just too lazy to tell you about the movie. Well, I'm not. This is something that you need to see/read and experience for yourself. Go out and get the movie, or go out and get the book, because I can promise you, you won't be sorry for it. This movie really opened up my eyes to another view of God and His love for us, and if you're anything like me in anyway, then I know this movie will move you like it moved me.
And now, for the part that is going to be the hardest to write about. I feel like I really need to be open and honest about something. As some of you may know, I've been living a lifestyle lately that isn't exactly the kind of lifestyle a supposed child of God should be living: I screwed around with my last boyfriend and did things I never once in my life thought I would do with a guy outside of marriage, I made out several times with a guy I wasn't even dating, I started cussing and being very angry and bitter towards people, even my closest friends and anyone who tried to helped me. My views on relationships and marriage became a tangled web of truths, half-truths and lies, and I couldn't distinguish one from the other, but worst of all, I was slowly starting to turn my back on God and everything to do with church and the Bible. But then, something rather miraculous happened. People began to confront me about my change in behavior. First, I was confronted by a very good friend of mine. Then, it was my mother. It was after my mom called it to my attention that I began to get scared; was I really changing? Was I really turning into the person that everyone said I was becoming?
It didn't take but a few days after those confrontations that I too began to see in myself what everyone else was seeing: an ugly, filthy, horrible, slanderous and sex-hungry beast that everyone feared and didn't want to be anywhere close to. Maybe I'm over exaggerating all of that, but... when I looked in the mirror, that is what I saw. I didn't see the Erin that everyone talked about so fondly. I didn't see the Erin that was admired for her talent. And I definitely didn't see the Erin that professed to be a follower of Christ. I saw an Erin who had been overtaken by the world and everything that it wants me to be, that it tells me I should be. I saw an Erin who was suddenly willing to do anything to get what she wanted, even if it meant hurting other people or hurting herself. But worst of all, I saw an Erin who was believing all the lies that had been whispered to her for the last seven months; the lies about love and how it doesn't matter if you ever get married or ever find true happiness, but that as long as you can have some "fun", that's all that matters. The lies about relationships, and how in the end, they aren't worth anything. The lies about God; "How could He ever take you back no? Not after everything you've done. He doesn't love you anymore or want anything to do with a hypocrite like you." The lies about forgiveness; "You can never be forgiven, you might as well continue to live on in the darkness, because you can't be forgiven now." And the lies about life; "You will never find happiness in this life, because no one wants you for you, they just want what you can give them, but you're not even good at that." And, the lies about staying true to your beliefs; "It doesn't matter if this person shares your beliefs or not, as long as you can have some fun and as long as they make you happy, it doesn't matter in the end."
Those were the lies that I had listened to and believed for seven months. The lies that had ruled my life and transformed me into some kind of monster. I struggled with these issues for a few days, and then... Sunday morning came. I went to church, like any other Sunday, but this time I knew something was different. Something was going to happen, I could feel it. That morning, we sang several songs that really spoke to my heart, like the old hymn called "Great Is Thy Faithfulness", and the more contemporary song "Today is the Day". Then, pastor talked about The Courage of Encourage, a sermon about how to confront fellow believers when they stray from the Christian walk. Well, I don't think I need to say much more about that. I knew in my heart of hearts that God was calling me back. During a time of prayer, I sat down in my seat. My best friend, Brittney, sat down next to me and put her arms around me. I sat there, crying quietly, and praying to God that He would forgive me for screwing up my life, but I also had to ask the question,
"God... are You really there? I don't feel anything anymore; I try to pray and I feel like You're either ignoring me or You just aren't there. I don't know if You're real anymore." It was then I heard it, in my mind.
"I am as real as Brittney is."
I then began praying for God to never leave me; that I couldn't bear to see someone who said that they cared about me leave me ever again. And the voice said again.
"I never left. I was always waiting for you."
I can't begin to tell you how peaceful I felt then. Sure, I was still crying, because it hurt knowing that it had taken so long for me to fully realize how far I had fallen into the pit that I had dug myself. But... I felt so free and peaceful, and I knew that I truly had been forgiven. And that, my dear readers, is where I must leave you. And, it is also here where I highly recommend that you watch or read "The Last Sin Eater", because it was that movie that made me realize that yes, God can and will forgive you, no matter what you've done, because he sent someone to "eat" our sins, to redeem us of our sins and to set us free and offer us a new hope, a new life. Well, until next time, good night, my dear readers.
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