Well, I'm back home... but I don't want to be. I had such an amazing time in San Antonio. I had forgotten how beautiful that city is, and how breath-taking the Riverwalk is, especially at night. Yes, it was cold, and that kind of put a damper on things, but we (meaning myself and everyone from the Chamber Singers) was inside for most of the day, so we didn't have to worry about the cold too much. It was when we went walking around downtown and going on the Riverwalk that we had to worry about the cold, but fortunately I had thought ahead, and had brought with me some gloves, my scarf and 2 jackets, hahaha, so I was prepared. But, all in all, I had a great time. The director who worked with us for the 4 days was really amazing; I liked his directing style, and he made the rehearsing process a lot more bearable, and even really fun at some points. We had the concert this afternoon, and it was AMAZING. We sounded fantastic, and the room we were in had fabulous acoustics, so that made it even better. I had such a great time on this trip; hanging out with some awesome people, singing beautiful music, staying in a nice hotel, being in an absolutely beautiful city, and growing closer to a good friend.
So, this is where I explain why I'm not really happy to be back home. Well, for one, this means I have to go back to school on Monday and I'm exhausted. Also, I won't be able to go to church tomorrow because I have to stay home to catch up on all the homework that I missed while I was gone, which really sucks. And, I know this is going to sound terrible, but I really don't want to be home these days, but I also don't want to be at school and sometimes I don't even want to be at church. When I'm around my choir friends, especially Nathan, I find myself really opening up. I am able to take off my mask of "I'm fine, everything's great, life is wonderful" and I can actually be myself. At home, at school, at church, I'm a totally and completely different person. I am who everyone wants and expects me to be; the sweet, caring, warm, loving, innocent, and naive girl that everyone has come to know and love. Well, newsflash for you, people, that's not me. Not the real me, anyway. Few people in my life have ever come slightly close to knowing the real me, and when I say few I mean, like, maybe 5. Maybe. And trust me, they didn't know the real me until I felt sure that I could trust them enough to let them see the real me. These people have seen every side of me that there is; all the good, the bad and especially the ugly.
And, I know this is going to sound crazy, and I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining, but this has become more of a problem now than anything. I have 3 guys that like me. One who lives in India (don't ask, that's a long story, one that I'll tell later on), Alex, and Nathan. The guy in India I have only talked to on Skype and on Facebook, and we've had 2 conversations on Skype and he's apparently "in love" with me, or some other BS nonsense like that. That part is complicated, and I don't want to hurt the poor guy by telling him it will never work out because he's so sweet, and I hate hurting people, no matter who they are. Then there's Alex. We haven't talked much (we texted each other a bit while I was in San Antonio, but that's about it) and from what it sounds like, he is still very much liking the idea of him and I dating. That part is also complicated, for various reasons. And then... there's Nathan. Oh Lord, have mercy... And here, my dear readers, is where it gets REALLY complicated. I think I might like him. Yeah, weird huh? I actually really didn't see this coming, as strange as that may sound. And I say "I think" because I'm not really sure yet. These emotions could really just be coming from the fact that I just went through a break up and so now I'm looking for someone, ANYONE, to be with, which is why I'm hesitant to think that I might actually, genuinely like him. I mean, yeah, I like Nathan as a friend, and he really cares about me. He's a good guy, despite what a lot of people may think about him.
So yeah, I honestly have no f-ing idea what I'm going to do. I know all of that probably doesn't sound complicated or anything, but it goes so much deeper than the fact that some guys like me. I'm terrified to trust someone again. I am scared to get into another relationship with anyone because I'm afraid that it's just going to end like the last 2 have, and I just don't think I could take that, not now. And, in all honesty, I'm wondering if I even should get myself involved in anymore relationships. At this point in my life, I think I can safely say that I'm not ready for any kind of long-term relationship, and by long-term I mean, a relationship that is for sure going to end in marriage. I definitely am not ready for that yet. In all honesty, I think I'd rather just go out and date a bunch of guys and just have fun. No serious commitment, no pressure to think about marriage or kids or a future together. Just fun. Just trying to figure out what I might possibly want in a future partner, if I even want one any time in the distant future. I know that sounds bad, I know; a girl who isn't interested in marriage or having kids, just looking for fun. But... I just don't think marriage is right for me. I'm not saying I'm going to go move in with somebody and screw around, no, that's dumb, and I'm not entirely dumb. I'm just saying that marriage might work for some people, but maybe it's not for me.
See, this is why I wish I was back in San Antonio right now. Right about now is when I would be outside down by the river that goes past our hotel, taking pictures and probably talking and chilling out (literally, it was f-ing cold at night there) with Nathan. And then, eventually when we both got too cold we would go back into our rooms and go to sleep so we could wake up about 7 the next morning and get ready to go to rehearsal with everyone else. Now that, my friends, is what I like to call "the life"; no worries about schoolwork, no freaking out about getting my homework done or getting my scripts/music memorized, a good friend to talk to about anything and everything, and being in an absolutely gorgeous city, with nothing to worry about except what the next's day's rehearsal is going to be like and what we'll have for lunch tomorrow. I really wish I was back there. I don't want to be here, stuck in this house, surrounded by all these issues, conflicts and all the other problems of my life.I just want it all to go away, or better yet, for me to go away and leave all of this behind me.
But, I won't do that. I can't do that. For one, I don't have the money it would take for me to get a place of my own, especially in someplace like San Antonio (that place is expensive) and I can't just leave all of my friends and family behind. They would hate it if I just packed up and left, and I know people would give me hell for it too. So, I'm not going to do that, that's out of the question. But... I don't know what else to do anymore. It feels like I struggle every day just to try and get through the day with as little drama and other crap as possible, and it's getting very hard to deal with and there's not that many people who I feel that I can talk to about what I'm going through, which is why I've taken to writing in here so often and making such long posts because I have so much that I need to get off my mind just so I can maybe sleep at night. But, anyway, it's getting late and even though I'm not going to church tomorrow, I still need to try and get up kind of early so I can get my homework done, at least the math stuff completely finished before I have "Zaney" rehearsal at 2, and then I have work at 4:30 (yeah, Ms. Brenda is not going to like that fact that I've missed one rehearsal and now the day I come back I have to leave early to get to work... yeah, that's not going to go over well, I think.)
Anyway, I need to go to sleep. I'm tired as hell and I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow. Until next time, my dear readers, ciao!
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