Break Your Heart

So, I've come to the conclusion that this song by Taio Cruz should be EVERY GUY'S theme song, because, in the end, they're all the same and all they're ever going to do is break girls' hearts. Period. End of story.

I'm riddin solo, baby! WINNING!!! :-)

Hahaha, so yeah, love this song, I don't care if it's considered "old" :-)

Bulletproof, Alice Human Sacrifice, Raise Your Glass and Telephone

So, I've been listening to a rather odd compilation of music lately, but it's all GOOD music (well, it is in my opinion.) And so I've decided to share some of this awesome music with you! :-)

Life: Unknown, Uncertain, Uncaring and Uncompromising

 So, it's been a while since my last post. Not too long, but long enough to where I feel like a lot has happened and that I need to keep all of my dear readers updated (actually, I'm not sure if anyone even reads this thing anymore... but it sure helps me to type out my feelings about everything, so even if no one reads this I'm going to keep writing in it, for my sake.) Anyway, school is over, at least for the Spring semester. I've still got Opera to look forward to this summer, and I'm also going to be babysitting for my sister and look after her baby boy, my nephew Caleb, and I'll be getting paid to watch him. And then, hopefully I'll be able to work more at my church. I am in DESPERATE need of money, since I need to make my next payment for the trip to England and Scotland with my choir next summer (did I already talk about that? I don't remember... I'll post more details about the trip in the next post.) So yeah, this summer looks like it will be somewhat productive, and maybe a little bit fun.

Life is funny. We think we know what we want, but then as the years go by we discover that we don't want the same things anymore. As a little girl, I wanted to be famous, beautiful, thin and I wanted to get married and have babies. Now I'm 21 and I want different things now: I still want to be famous, I still want to be beautiful, I still want to be thin, but I'm not so sure if I want marriage anymore and I DEFINITELY don't want kids. I know that some people say that I'll change my mind about kids one day, but I know that I won't. And as for marriage, I'm giving up on that idea. At least for right now. I'm going to give dating a break for a while. I'm not interested in anyone right now anyway, and besides, I'm going to be transferring to Sam next Spring (God willing) so I really don't want to start any relationship right now. For the time being, marriage, romance and relationships are the last things on my list of priorities. Honestly, I think a break is for the best. I've been through so much BS and drama with my last two relationships, and I just got turned down by the guy I had absolutely fallen for, so yeah, I need a break.

Well, if there's one thing that I've learned about life in the 21 years that I've been alive, it's this: life doesn't make compromises, life doesn't care what you want, and life is always unknown, uncaring and uncertain. Some days it feels like I am truly all alone in this world; my friends don't seem to understand me, no one seems to care about my problems or they try to minimize them, and my family is the same way sometimes. I don't really have anyone that I can turn to these days. Yeah, I have Brittney and some other really close friends, but there's things that I can't even tell them. I don't fit in anywhere I go. I don't fit in with my friends at school, if you can even call them "friends". It seems like the only place that I can find any kind of peace and happiness is when I'm outside in the woods, alone and away from the rest of the world, or if I'm around animals.

A week ago, I went on a tour with my choir from school. It was a three day mini tour where we went around to different high schools and sang for the choir kids, trying to convince them to come to Kingwood college when they graduate and to join the music program there. Well, on Monday we went to a lake resort and stayed the night. While everyone else was playing football or doing whatever else they were doing, I went off on my own and took some pictures (that place is absolutely beautiful) and I realized it then; I get along way better with animals than I do with people. I suppose everyone does though; animals don't talk, they don't judge you for what you do, and they are always happy to see you. I honestly wish that I lived in the middle of nowhere with an entire farm of cats, dogs, horses, and all kinds of animals. I can't wait for the day when I get my own place. I'm gonna have one dog and, like, three cats, hahaha. Yes, I'm going to be the crazy cat lady.

Anyway, aside from feeling like a complete outsider during the trip, I had a good time. I took some great pictures, and I got to sing some amazing music. Not going to lie, I'm going to be glad to leave Kingwood after next semester. It's not because of the teachers or the classes or anything. It's because of the people. I love how everyone pretends to be my friend there, but in reality they don't give a s*** about me, with the exception of maybe 2 or 3 people, but really, I can't wait to leave. I want to get a fresh start, a new place to call home and new opportunities to show everyone just how talented I really am. And if I get into Sam, my parents want to move closer to the school so that I can commute instead of living on campus (living on campus is so friggin EXPENSIVE) so everything will be new; new house, new town, new everything. A fresh start. That's exactly what I need.

Oh, I found a new song. Well, it's new to me anyway. And I really love it for 3 reasons: 1, I love this guy's voice, 2, I love the lyrics and C. I love the music itself. Well, I guess that's it for now, dear readers. Stay tuned for more of the soap opera that is my life. Ciao!

Music and Fun Stuff

So, I celebrated my 21st birthday on Wednesday, and I can definitely say that I had a wonderful day :-) I went to Olive Garden with my mom, dad and grandma and tried a Strawberry Daiquiri, and it was yummy! Oh, and my parents gave me a wonderful gift; a sterling silver heart locket necklace and sterling silver earrings, and they are beautiful! Tomorrow we're having my party at Brittney's house. She and I went to get the food this afternoon, and split the cost for everything. I am so excited! And on Sunday, Kerygma (my church's high school/college student ensemble) is singing and I have a solo :-) AND! On Monday, Chamber Singers is leaving for our choir retreat/recruiting trip. We'll be gone Monday, Tuesday and coming back on Wednesday, and I can't wait! Yeah, there's a good chance that it will be really awkward/uncomfortable/plain not fun because of Nathan, but I'm not going to let him ruin my time. I am going to have a good time with my friends (and I'm gonna look good in my new bikini ;-) HAHAHA! I bought it to go to Schlitterbaun during Spring Break, but then I didn't get to go, so now I'm gonna be wearing it to Galveston. WOOHOO!!!)

Anyway, I found some really great songs. One is by my FAVORITE SINGER OF ALL TIME, Barbra Streisand, and the other is a by a girl who has a TV show on Nickelodeon. The song by Barbra Streisand is a classic Disney song, "Someday My Prince Will Come" In spite of everything that happened with the whole Nathan episode, I have found myself feeling a little more hopeful about finding love someday. Strange, how just a few days ago my mind was full of negative thoughts, but after listening to Barbra's beautiful rendition of this song, I can't help but feel a little more hopeful that someday my Prince really will come. And the second song... well, it's basically just how I feel about Nathan now, hahaha :-P anyway, enjoy!

Il problema è con l'amore

So... I'm turning 21 tomorrow. It's crazy. It seems like only yesterday that I was just a carefree, innocent and naive little kid without a care in the world. And now, I'm almost an adult; I'm a Sophomore in college, I'm studying what I love, but now I've got more problems than any girl should ever have to deal with. Why do we have to grow up? Why can't we just stay as children, innocent and carefree? Life would be so much more peaceful, less stressful and there would be a lot more happiness in the world.Yeah sure, being an adult had it's perks, but I'm starting to see that being an adult has a lot more negative aspects than positive. But, then again, being a kid also has it's ups and downs too, so I suppose there really is no middle ground. That sucks.

I've also come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with Love. Yes, Love. And I think Kelly Clarkson hit it right on target when she wrote that song (God, I freaking LOVE Kelly Clarkson!) Anyway, for the last 2 days, I've been listening to nothing BUT Kelly Clarkson songs. It's always great to listen to songs that describe exactly how you're feeling, especially when it comes to matters of the heart, or, more like, matters of the broken heart. See, this is one of the many things that is wrong about Love. It's such an amazing feeling; you feel like you're flying, like you're on top of the world, like you're walking on the clouds, and nothing can bring you down. But... then, it's over, and all you can do is cry; you feel like you're dying, you feel like your heart is being ripped out and being smashed to pieces, and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and fade away into nothing. How can something so wonderful, so beautiful, cause so much pain? I don't understand.

And so, your heart is broken, and now you want nothing more to do with Love. You decide that never again will you give your heart away, never again will you let yourself feel that way for anyone. You vow to never let anyone into your heart and life, and you convince yourself that you don't need anyone. And then, before you know it, Love is calling your name again, and you just can't resist. It's like an abusive relationship. The guy beats his girl until she's half dead, she leaves, but then he comes back and says he's changed, so she goes back to him... only to have him beat her again. That's how Love has been treating me lately, and I can't resist it when he calls me back. I wish that I could just say no, to have nothing more to do with Love and forget it ever existed. But, I know I can't. Love will call me back, sooner than I think, and I won't be able to resist, and then I'll just end up getting hurt again. It's a vicious cycle, but I can't get out of it. I'll never be able to get out of it. Man, that sucks.

So yeah, take a listen to this song. To me, music speaks louder than just simple words.

Amore, dolore, musica, e altre cose

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!: 
This post contains vulgar and colorful language, so if you are offended by it, please do not read any further. I'm sorry for the language, but I really just need to freely speak my mind about some things. Thank you for your time.

So, I'm sure everyone is wondering if I've had my talk with Nathan yet. Well, I did, today in fact, and all I can say is one thing: FUCK. HIM. He has done nothing but lie to me and lead me on since San Antonio. I want nothing more to do with the bastard. And what hurts the most are these 4 words: You're not my type. What the hell kind of bullshit excuse is that?!? I was your type when we were making-out in San Antonio and all those times in your car. The other part of it is he is a fucking hypocrite! He tells me that he's not ready for a long, committed relationship, and then he drops the ultimate bomb and tells me that last week he proposed to his ex. That was the part where I left, and a good thing too, because if I had stayed there any longer after hearing that I would have exploded and he would have known what rage and absolute fury looks like. Whatever. Fuck him. I don't want anything more to do with him. All he did was use me. And here I thought he ACTUALLY cared about me. My mistake.

And the thing that I absolutely hate about all of this is that I actually, really, truly, genuinely LIKED HIM. I actually had developed FEELINGS for the bastard! It wasn't supposed to happen, never. I wasn't supposed to like him, I wasn't supposed to fall for him. But I did. And that's what sucks, is that I really liked him. And this is what I get in return: "You're not my type." Fuck him. I'm done with his bullshit excuses, and I'm done with him. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. I  feel like my heart has been torn out, ripped to shreds, stepped on then burned and had the ashes scattered into the wind. I don't understand. I will forever and always ask the question, "What is wrong with me?" when it comes to guys and relationships. It's obvious that SOMETHING is wrong with me. I can't seem to stay in a relationship, and I always seem to find myself dating cowards, guys who are too afraid to be upfront and honest with me, guys who are too afraid to come forward and take responsibility, and guys who, in the end and no matter what they say, are terrified of me. I wish I knew what it was about me that made guys so afraid of me, and yet at the same time I say fuck them; if a guy really loved me, he would accept me for who I am, exactly as I am. I shouldn't have to change for any guy. At least, that what everyone tells me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'll have to change who I am if I don't want to end up alone.

I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, not even close. But... I look around at all my friends, and I am seeing something that they all are starting to have in common: they are all engaged, or they have boyfriends. And then I look at me and I don't know who I am anymore. All I know for certain about myself anymore is I scare off guys, I'll never be beautiful enough for guys to really like me, and all the things that are wrong with my personality. I see nothing good in myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I don't know who that girl is that looks back at me with those hazel eyes, the eyes that always look tired and are full of sadness, loneliness and despair. I wish I knew who that girl is, and I wish I could find myself again, instead of this girl who always seems to live in a state of chaos, confusion and fear.

Well, I suppose that's all for tonight. I'm really tired, and I've got to be at school early tomorrow so I can register for my Fall classes (God, this summer and next semester are going to SUCK! This summer I'm part of the Summer Opera production at the college and so is Nathan, and then next semester I'll see Nathan... can I die now?) Anyway, I'll try to post again later this week. Oh, and Nathan? I've got a little song for you. Wanna know how I REALLY feel? Take a listen. I dare you.

Andando sotto

So, basically, life is still complicated. I still don't know what Nathan wants (if he even wants anything. I don't know anymore) and I'm tired of waiting on him to answer me. I understand the position he's in; I know what it feels like to not know if you're ready to be back in a relationship again, especially if the last one ended badly (I don't fully know the details of his last relationship or how it ended, so I'm going to assume that it ended badly somehow in some way) and I also know what it's like to feel the pressure of having to give someone an answer about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them. I have been on both sides of this situation: I know what it's like to be the one who is having to GIVE the answer, and I know what it's like to be the one who is WAITING ON the answer. But... I need an answer. I can't keep living in this uncertainty, and I definitely can't begin to imagine what the next semester could bring if he still doesn't give me an answer... but, then again, I also can imagine what the next semester will be like if he does give me an answer, but it's not the answer I want.

Anyway, I am still determined to talk to him about this. And when I say talk, I mean SERIOUSLY talk. No distractions, no events to go to, nothing that would cause us to be on a timeline. I need him to sit still long enough for us to figure this out, and for him to understand where I'm coming from, and I want to hear his side of the story too. I want to know what he's thinking, and how he sees this. Well, that's about it for now. I've got finals this week. Math and Theory final tomorrow, my voice jury is on Tuesday, and my Ear Training/Sight Singing final and Music Lit final is on Wednesday, and on Wednesday *drum roll* IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, AND I'M GONNA BE 21!!! :-D :-D :-D WOOHOO!!!! PARTY TIME!!!!! and yes, I am having a party :-) my best friend Brittney is letting me have it at her place, and my parents are taking me to go get a drink on Wednesday :-) I am so excited! Well, I'll leave you, my dear readers, with this song. Just kind of how I'm feeling about the whole Nathan thing. enjoy.

Favorite Songs :-)

Hey, everyone! Because I'm bored (and because I can :-P) I've decided to post some of my favorite pop songs :-) some of my favorite singers are Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne, Kesha, Rihanna and Lady Gaga (some people will probably find it really hard to believe that I actually like Lady Gaga, but whatever) anyway, enjoy the awesome music! Oh, and feel free to turn the sound up on your computer and dance around like a crazy person, hahaha :-)