WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!:
This post contains vulgar and colorful language, so if you are offended by it, please do not read any further. I'm sorry for the language, but I really just need to freely speak my mind about some things. Thank you for your time.
So, I'm sure everyone is wondering if I've had my talk with Nathan yet. Well, I did, today in fact, and all I can say is one thing: FUCK. HIM. He has done nothing but lie to me and lead me on since San Antonio. I want nothing more to do with the bastard. And what hurts the most are these 4 words: You're not my type. What the hell kind of bullshit excuse is that?!? I was your type when we were making-out in San Antonio and all those times in your car. The other part of it is he is a fucking hypocrite! He tells me that he's not ready for a long, committed relationship, and then he drops the ultimate bomb and tells me that last week he proposed to his ex. That was the part where I left, and a good thing too, because if I had stayed there any longer after hearing that I would have exploded and he would have known what rage and absolute fury looks like. Whatever. Fuck him. I don't want anything more to do with him. All he did was use me. And here I thought he ACTUALLY cared about me. My mistake.
And the thing that I absolutely hate about all of this is that I actually, really, truly, genuinely LIKED HIM. I actually had developed FEELINGS for the bastard! It wasn't supposed to happen, never. I wasn't supposed to like him, I wasn't supposed to fall for him. But I did. And that's what sucks, is that I really liked him. And this is what I get in return: "You're not my type." Fuck him. I'm done with his bullshit excuses, and I'm done with him. I'm hurt. I'm deeply hurt. I feel like my heart has been torn out, ripped to shreds, stepped on then burned and had the ashes scattered into the wind. I don't understand. I will forever and always ask the question, "What is wrong with me?" when it comes to guys and relationships. It's obvious that SOMETHING is wrong with me. I can't seem to stay in a relationship, and I always seem to find myself dating cowards, guys who are too afraid to be upfront and honest with me, guys who are too afraid to come forward and take responsibility, and guys who, in the end and no matter what they say, are terrified of me. I wish I knew what it was about me that made guys so afraid of me, and yet at the same time I say fuck them; if a guy really loved me, he would accept me for who I am, exactly as I am. I shouldn't have to change for any guy. At least, that what everyone tells me. I'm starting to think that maybe I'll have to change who I am if I don't want to end up alone.
I'm nowhere near ready for marriage, not even close. But... I look around at all my friends, and I am seeing something that they all are starting to have in common: they are all engaged, or they have boyfriends. And then I look at me and I don't know who I am anymore. All I know for certain about myself anymore is I scare off guys, I'll never be beautiful enough for guys to really like me, and all the things that are wrong with my personality. I see nothing good in myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I don't know who that girl is that looks back at me with those hazel eyes, the eyes that always look tired and are full of sadness, loneliness and despair. I wish I knew who that girl is, and I wish I could find myself again, instead of this girl who always seems to live in a state of chaos, confusion and fear.
Well, I suppose that's all for tonight. I'm really tired, and I've got to be at school early tomorrow so I can register for my Fall classes (God, this summer and next semester are going to SUCK! This summer I'm part of the Summer Opera production at the college and so is Nathan, and then next semester I'll see Nathan... can I die now?) Anyway, I'll try to post again later this week. Oh, and Nathan? I've got a little song for you. Wanna know how I REALLY feel? Take a listen. I dare you.
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