So, it's been a while since my last post. Not too long, but long enough to where I feel like a lot has happened and that I need to keep all of my dear readers updated (actually, I'm not sure if anyone even reads this thing anymore... but it sure helps me to type out my feelings about everything, so even if no one reads this I'm going to keep writing in it, for my sake.) Anyway, school is over, at least for the Spring semester. I've still got Opera to look forward to this summer, and I'm also going to be babysitting for my sister and look after her baby boy, my nephew Caleb, and I'll be getting paid to watch him. And then, hopefully I'll be able to work more at my church. I am in DESPERATE need of money, since I need to make my next payment for the trip to England and Scotland with my choir next summer (did I already talk about that? I don't remember... I'll post more details about the trip in the next post.) So yeah, this summer looks like it will be somewhat productive, and maybe a little bit fun.
Life is funny. We think we know what we want, but then as the years go by we discover that we don't want the same things anymore. As a little girl, I wanted to be famous, beautiful, thin and I wanted to get married and have babies. Now I'm 21 and I want different things now: I still want to be famous, I still want to be beautiful, I still want to be thin, but I'm not so sure if I want marriage anymore and I DEFINITELY don't want kids. I know that some people say that I'll change my mind about kids one day, but I know that I won't. And as for marriage, I'm giving up on that idea. At least for right now. I'm going to give dating a break for a while. I'm not interested in anyone right now anyway, and besides, I'm going to be transferring to Sam next Spring (God willing) so I really don't want to start any relationship right now. For the time being, marriage, romance and relationships are the last things on my list of priorities. Honestly, I think a break is for the best. I've been through so much BS and drama with my last two relationships, and I just got turned down by the guy I had absolutely fallen for, so yeah, I need a break.
Well, if there's one thing that I've learned about life in the 21 years that I've been alive, it's this: life doesn't make compromises, life doesn't care what you want, and life is always unknown, uncaring and uncertain. Some days it feels like I am truly all alone in this world; my friends don't seem to understand me, no one seems to care about my problems or they try to minimize them, and my family is the same way sometimes. I don't really have anyone that I can turn to these days. Yeah, I have Brittney and some other really close friends, but there's things that I can't even tell them. I don't fit in anywhere I go. I don't fit in with my friends at school, if you can even call them "friends". It seems like the only place that I can find any kind of peace and happiness is when I'm outside in the woods, alone and away from the rest of the world, or if I'm around animals.
A week ago, I went on a tour with my choir from school. It was a three day mini tour where we went around to different high schools and sang for the choir kids, trying to convince them to come to Kingwood college when they graduate and to join the music program there. Well, on Monday we went to a lake resort and stayed the night. While everyone else was playing football or doing whatever else they were doing, I went off on my own and took some pictures (that place is absolutely beautiful) and I realized it then; I get along way better with animals than I do with people. I suppose everyone does though; animals don't talk, they don't judge you for what you do, and they are always happy to see you. I honestly wish that I lived in the middle of nowhere with an entire farm of cats, dogs, horses, and all kinds of animals. I can't wait for the day when I get my own place. I'm gonna have one dog and, like, three cats, hahaha. Yes, I'm going to be the crazy cat lady.
Anyway, aside from feeling like a complete outsider during the trip, I had a good time. I took some great pictures, and I got to sing some amazing music. Not going to lie, I'm going to be glad to leave Kingwood after next semester. It's not because of the teachers or the classes or anything. It's because of the people. I love how everyone pretends to be my friend there, but in reality they don't give a s*** about me, with the exception of maybe 2 or 3 people, but really, I can't wait to leave. I want to get a fresh start, a new place to call home and new opportunities to show everyone just how talented I really am. And if I get into Sam, my parents want to move closer to the school so that I can commute instead of living on campus (living on campus is so friggin EXPENSIVE) so everything will be new; new house, new town, new everything. A fresh start. That's exactly what I need.
Oh, I found a new song. Well, it's new to me anyway. And I really love it for 3 reasons: 1, I love this guy's voice, 2, I love the lyrics and C. I love the music itself. Well, I guess that's it for now, dear readers. Stay tuned for more of the soap opera that is my life. Ciao!
No comments:
Post a Comment