Well, I must say life certainly is a lot better now that I've decided to put the past behind me. Strange how it's taken me six months to finally decide to truly move on with my life, but then again, it's not really strange. I've discovered something about myself through all of this: I can, do and will hold a grudge against someone for a very long time. I shouldn't, I know, but... you've been there. I'm sure you've been through something so heartbreaking, painful and hurtful that you felt that you had every right to be upset, angry and bitter about the situation... and bitter and angry toward the person who hurt you, too.
But now... now, it just feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted off of me. I feel free, and as I look back on everything that happened to me last year and the beginning of this year, I can look back at the memories... and smile, something I never thought I would do. Sure, there's still some pain and sadness in those memories, and there probably always will be. But, I don't have any regrets. Not anymore. I had a few, but looking back on everything now, I can see that all of it was just lessons learned. Some of them were hard lessons to learn, and some of them have changed my life, but I have no regrets. I want to live my life with as few regrets as possible, and so far I'm doing a pretty good job.
It's funny, really; it took me six months and a song by Avril Lavigne to make me realize,"The past is OVER, stop being bitter and angry. Screw the past, get back up again and live your life the way you think you should, because no one else is going to live it for you! And when life throws something new at you, or when a new guy comes along, just shrug, say "What the hell?" and go for it!" I'm sure that sounds really reckless, but hey, I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and letting everyone else have all the fun. It's time I grow a spine and take chances once in a while.
I'm actually talking to Mark again, and this time I'm being sincere. I plan on renewing my friendships with Travis and Nathan as well. All I want is for us all to be friends again; I want life to go back to the way it was before any of this stuff ruined our friendships. And I want to be happy again; really, truly happy again. For the last six months I've been bitter and angry and hurt. It's made me miserable and it definitely hasn't helped my spiritual life (that's still under construction right now. It might take a while to get back on track with that again) but, I'm sure that with time, that will be rebuilt and renewed as well.
Well, it's late, and I've got to get up for school in a couple hours. Until next time, my dear readers :-) good night.
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