My life as it currently is can be summed up in one word: unpredictable. This summer has been mostly like any other summer; staying busy with this and that, hanging out with friends on occasion, and of course, the infamous Texas humidity and heat. But this summer has also been very different; babysitting my sister's kid, participating in one of the most renowned operas, 'Carmen' and getting to do scenes from one of the greatest musical masterpieces, 'West Side Story'. But... there's been something else too. Something that I never saw coming. See, there's this guy who kind of makes me lose all control, makes me love him so much to the point of hating him, makes me want to be with him more than anyone I've ever known, and who makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He is everything I could have ever wanted... but, we'll never be together. It's complicated.
I've always wondered what it would feel like to really, truly be in love with someone. Sure, I could easily tell you that I was in love with my first boyfriend, Mark, but somehow, that just doesn't seem right. Sure, I really liked him, and I was devastated when he broke my heart, but did I really love him? And then there was Travis. Yeah, I don't think that was really love either. And now... there's this guy. And we're not even IN a relationship! Like I said, it's complicated. I have thought a lot these past couple of weeks, about whether or not it's possible I could be in love with this guy. And I'm still not entirely sure. I have tried to convince myself that I am, but if I were to be completely and totally honest with myself, I don't know if I could say that I'm in love with him. Part of me is afraid to think that I might be in love with him. I mean, after all, we'll never be together, not in the way that I wish for and dream about. No, it will never happen. He's told me himself. And he likes another girl... Or at least, that's what he told me. Somehow, I'm not so sure if that's really the truth. Men are so hard to decipher. I can't understand them at all! This guy has either been lying to me about his feelings for me, or he is lying to himself about his feelings for me. Either way, someone is going to get hurt. And yet...
*(sigh)* I wish that Love came with a manual. It seems so complicated at times, and yet at other times it seems so simple. Funny how a lot of things in life are like that. Like music. It seems so simple! Just open your mouth and sing. But, since I started actually studying music in college, I've learned it's not always so simple as it seems. There's a lot of mechanics, both mentally, physically and emotionally, that go into singing and making music. It's the same with acting. People tell me, "Oh you make it look so easy! You seem so confident up there, so at ease!" HA! Yeah sure, I may LOOK confident and at ease, but on the inside my brain is going a million miles a minute, remembering notes, rhythms, words and counting every step of the way through the song. And with acting, it's DEFINITELY the same way. People tell me how confident I look when I'm on stage. I may LOOK confident, but my entire body starts shaking when I sing or get on stage. Love is very much the same way, I think. It seems easy, but in reality there's a lot more to it. There's so many mechanics of Love, and there's definitely a lot of behind-the-scenes work going on at all times for both the people in the relationship.
Wow... Sorry, I have NO idea where all of that came from just now. This is what I get for having no set sleep schedule; my brain starts thinking too much, especially at night when I'm TRYING to sleep. Grrrr... Anyway, opera rehearsals are going great. I am so excited for these shows! :-) And I'm excited to see how the rest of this summer is going to turn out. Somehow I have this feeling that it's going to be life-changing, in some way or another, for better or for worse. Well, I guess that's all for now, my dear readers. Sorry, not much to report on, but in case you haven't noticed I've been having A LOT of inspiration for my poems lately. Hmm... gee, I wonder why? ;-) hahaha! Well, good night, everyone! Ciao!
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