Facing The Truth

It's time to face that one thing that all of us fear. That one thing that none of us really want to face. It's time to look it straight in the eye and hold your ground. It's time to face facts. It's time to bring all anger, bitterness, rage, malice, wrath, hurt, pain and any and all forms of hatred to an end. It's time we faced our giants, our fears, our boogeymen hiding under our beds, and our worst nightmares. It's time to realize the truth. Yes, my friends, the truth. The total, absolute, complete and utter truth. I've had to face the truth about something very painful and personal tonight. In fact, I'm facing it right now, even as I type this.

It's hurting. It's killing me. It's hell. But I have to do it. Face the truth. Face the facts. I've learned something tonight about someone. And it's killing me. I can almost feel my heart screaming in pain as the flames of truth burn it alive. They say that the truth hurts, but they never said that it could kill you. And the thing is, what I'm learning right now shouldn't even be having any kind of affect on me. After all, it's over. It's been over for a year now. That chapter of my life is closed, or should I say, he closed it for me, before I even could get to the end of the first chapter. I never did get to see how that story would have ended. I'm currently listening to "The Book of My Life" by Sting and the lyrics ring very true, especially in this moment as I'm letting the truth settle in. It's not easy, I can assure you.

It's not easy to read about how your first love has moved on and found love in someone else. It's not easy to read about how happy he is now without me. It's not easy to know that, just a year ago, that was me that he he supposedly "cared about". It's not easy to read the words that he has typed about how he feels about her, about how he's falling in love with her. It's killing me. Yes, I know, it's been a year now. Yes, I know now that it never would have worked between us. We both wanted different things in life, and I'm one hundred percent sure that we both still do. Yes, we haven't actually spoken face-to-face in I don't know how many months now. Yes, I'm completely and totally in love with another man now, a man who is everything I've ever wanted and more. Yes, all of these facts are true. And yet...Why does the truth hurt so much?

Maybe it hurts because he was my first. He was the first kiss, the first boyfriend, the first everything. And, if you asked certain people, I'm pretty sure that these certain would tell you that he was the first guy I ever loved. Apparently I was head over heels in love with him, but I just can't seem to go back to the days I spent with him. Sure, a few stick out in my memory and those always will, but everything else is blank. Maybe it's because I've hidden everything else in that little box of memories in my mind that is pushed to the very, very, VERY back of my mind, that box that I don't want to open ever again. Other memories are there too; memories of CBC, of my years struggling with anorexia. You know, those memories that are too painful to go back and visit because you know that if you do, you'll break down, cry and scream because it hurts too much, it kills you to go back to that dark place.

At this moment, it's 10:09 PM on a Sunday night. I'm sitting alone in my living room, with Sting and the TV as my only companions. Everyone else is sleeping in my house. No one knows of the truth that I've just learned, of the pain that my heart is enduring for the sake of moving on with my life. I tried to tell myself, "Just read it, go ahead. Maybe this will help you move on. He's obviously moved on, and what about you? Isn't it time you moved on and let go? This will help, surely it will." Yes, I'm sure it will, in time. But right now, it's killing me. I'm having to force myself to read the post, re-reading all the words that are like daggers in my heart. Words like "love", "us", "together", "proud". And there's a small mention of me, but my name isn't there, no. I'm simply the "last girlfriend". So, that's all I am now. That's all I'll ever be to him. I'm not a name, I'm not Erin. I'm simply the "last girlfriend". Want to know how that makes me feel? Well, right now I'm thinking some not so nice words, and I'm wanting to scream, rip my hair out and cry. That's what part of me wants to do, in all honesty. But I won't do that, nope.

I'm simply going to let it all sink in, listen to "The Book of My Life" a couple more times, then I'm going to go get ready for bed and watch Animal Planet, or maybe Nick at Nite or the History Channel, and then I'm going to sleep and wake up tomorrow and live my life. Yeah, it's not going to be easy. It hasn't been easy to live my life ever since the break up. But, I don't really have a choice, do I? I can either choose to continue to live my life the way I think I should, or I can stop living. There's no other choice. And I've got too much to live for to stop living, so I think I'll keep on keeping on.

Well, I guess it's about time to start settling down for the night. I actually get to sleep in tomorrow, hahaha! That will be nice. Good night, everyone!