This post is entitled "Life as I currently know it." It's been a while since my last post and can I just say that life has really thrown me some curve-balls lately. School seems to go up and down every day; one day I'll be fine and doing great and then the next I'm not understanding anything and I feel like just giving up and quitting school altogether. I've already thought about changing my major several times, but I know that deep down I want to do music, and I know a lot of people would be really disappointed in me if I changed my major. On another note, the thing that I have been struggling with has suddenly become not so much of a problem. I had I guess what one might call an epiphany and realized that "This is stupid... why am I doing this?" And now, I can say that I am starting on the road to defeating this problem. I know it's not going to go away completely right away and I don't want to have too high expectations for myself. I am going to be patient with myself about this, as much as I can be, and I guess the rest I'm just going to have to leave up to God, if He even still cares about me, which these days I'm not so sure about, but that's a different story entirely.
As for the love life... two words: Oi vey. It's been one hell of a roller coaster ride. For about 2 months I was living in the midst of a love triangle, and now I'm just happy that I'm out of the triangle and it's back to just one guy... Nathan. Oh. Dear. Lord. Have. Mercy... Nathan... You know, it's weird. Never once in my life did I imagine that I'd meet a guy like him. I didn't know that guys like him even existed until my Sophomore year rolls around and I met this really tall, long haired, blond Viking-type guy. At first, we're just friends. And then, I start dating our mutual friend. And then, the mutual friend and I break up. And then, I find myself at a point where I look at Nathan and it's like I'm meeting him for the first time again, but better. I can't explain exactly what I feel; sometimes I'm nervous around him, but it's not the kind of nervous where you're scared. It's the kind where you feel vulnerable, exposed, but at the same time you know you can trust this person to not hurt you or take advantage of your vulnerability. And sometimes I don't feel any different; it just feels like I'm talking to a really close friend, someone who I can have fun with and be myself around.
The problem, however, is I like him, and he says he likes me... but he doesn't want to be with me, and I don't understand why. He says he's not ready for a relationship, and I can understand where he's coming from (been there, done that.) But, at the same time, I want to just slap him across the face and scream "WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!?! WAKE UP!!! TAKE A CHANCE ON ME, YOU IDIOT!!!" but I somehow have this feeling that that course of action would not give me the result that I'm after. Still, it makes me wonder... why does this always happen to me when it comes to guys? Either they like me and I like them back, but then something goes wrong and it ends horribly, or he likes me and I'm not too sure if I like him, so I take a chance on him and then it also ends badly. Now, it's he likes me, I like him but nothing's happening... It's the complete opposite of where I started when I began dating! And what's worse is, now practically everyone I know is either dating someone or getting married soon... I'm almost 21 and I have yet to even be in a relationship that last for a solid year! Something is wrong with this picture...
And, I know it's horrible to say this, but one of those people that is now in a relationship with someone is my best friend, Brittney. She's now dating this guy who she's been good friends with for a while now, and I am SO. EXTREMELY. JEALOUS. No, not of him, he's definitely not my type, ew, gross. I'm jealous because she has someone who cares about her. Yeah, he's got his flaws (I, personally, think she's too good for him, but that's just my opinion) but she has someone. And it makes me so insanely jealous. I try not to show it, but whenever she talks about her and Clay (that's the dude's name) I feel like screaming, tearing my hair out and crying. I want to be with someone too! I want to love someone and to be loved! I'm tired of the loneliness, the emptiness, and I hate the void inside of me that is screaming to be filled. And, not going to lie, Nathan is such an amazing guy, he really is. And I think it would be amazing to date him, but... I can't force myself on him like that. I know what it feels like to be afraid to get back into another relationship, especially when the previous one ended badly or whatever. Still... I can't help but feel like I've been rejected. AGAIN. To sum it up, my love life currently is complicated as hell and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better any time soon.
As for school? Well, looks like I'll be hanging around Kingwood for another semester. Yep, I still have to go audition for Sam Houston, and I'll probably do that sometime before next semester/end of the summer. Part of me absolutely can't wait until I transfer; new school, new campus, new friends, new life, new guys ;-) hahaha, sorry, just had to throw that one in there. But, of course, part of me really doesn't want to leave Kingwood. I've had so many good times here, so many good things happen to me. But now I've also got some bad memories here, too many bad memories for me to handle. I want to start somewhere fresh, somewhere new, somewhere no one knows anything about me and where I can start again. Easier said than done, I know. And it will be so hard to say goodbye to everyone... I'm not looking forward to that.
Anyway, that's just kind of an update on me. Life is crazy busy as always, and finals are coming up so fast. Oh! And in 3 weeks, I'm going to be 21 :-) I am SO EXCITED!!!! Brittney and I are going to try to plan having my party at her house, but we still need to iron out the details like how many people to invite, what kind of music to play, food, and all that jazz *(breaks into singing "All That Jazz" from 'Chicago')* ahem, sorry about that, hahaha :-P I just couldn't resist. Well, I guess that's all for now. Until next time, ciao!
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