God tells us in the Bible that our fight is not against "flesh and blood" (human beings) but against the "rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12) and I now understand what this verse means. I never used to think about it too much, in all honesty. It's one of those verses that when you've grown up in the church, you hear it all the time, and I also suppose that when you're young and in the prime of your life, you tend to not think about things like that, at least, I don't, and maybe I'm the only one who doesn't, but that's beside the point. The point is, I have now found myself in the midst of a fierce battle, one that I believe is a life-or-death fight against my selfish desires and against the one who wants nothing more than to see me go back to the lifestyle that I was living just a few months ago.
Since last Sunday, my life has begun to change in small ways; I am making small steps every day to turn my life around, and even though I still can't go a single day without cursing or looking at things that I shouldn't look at, I am confident that I am getting back on the right path to a better life. But, as I said earlier, I have found myself in a new battle, one that I didn't see coming. As the matter is very personal, I'm not going to say what exactly it is, but I can tell you that I never imagined I would be fighting this battle. It's one of those things that when you hear about other people dealing with this, you say to yourself, "I'll never have to worry about that. That will never affect my life. I will never let that into my life" but then it does, and you're not quite sure how it happened. However, I am certain that God will give me the strength, courage, motivation and will-power to resist Satan and to break these chains he has put around me.
Anyway, I suppose I'll give you an update on life in general. Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted anything, and that's due to the fact that I am SUPER busy this semester, busier than I was last semester or even last year. What with being in such a major role in "Zaney Muldaney" and with school on top of all that, life has been stressful, to say the least. And I know what a lot of people probably think about me, "Well... if it's so stressful, why do you keep doing this to yourself?! If it stresses you out, then just don't do shows! Change your major! Do something to get your life less stressful!" But... I can't do that. I can't stop doing shows, I can't change majors, because this is what I've always wanted to do. Music and Theater are my life. Besides, I'm not good at anything else, although these days I have to wonder if I'm even good at music, since I'm failing my Theory class. But I want to make my dreams a reality. So few people in today's world actually pursue their dreams to the very end. Most people give up when they realize that their dream job isn't going to make any money, so they give up, toss those dreams aside and go for whatever job that will be profitable. I don't want to be one of those people. Even if I never make it to Broadway, I want to have a career in acting and singing, even if that means I end up being a drama teacher at an elementary school, or a private voice teacher. I want to do what I love.
And now, the inevitable subject: the love life. Well... it's been... interesting, to say the least. See... there's this guy who really likes me. In fact, according to him, he's liked me for the whole 3-almost-4 years he's known me, and he just recently decided to come out and say it to me. So, yes, technically I'm in a relationship, but (and here's where the complications come in) I told him that I need 2 months before he and I start a relationship. The reason? My latest ex. Not going to lie, I still have some feelings for him, and what sucks even worse is that I also now have feelings for his best friend (yeah, sounds like something out of a soap opera, doesn't it? Welcome to my life.) So, I told this guy that I need 2 months to get over my ex (he doesn't know about the other guy I like... unless he's reading this right now, in which case, it really sucks to be me right now...) It's not that I don't like this guy, whose name is Alex, by the way. Alex is a great guy, and he has everything I've ever wanted in a guy: a strong Christian, an actor, a singer, a musician, kind, sweet, funny, romantic, thoughtful, caring, understanding, older than me (I swear I will NEVER date a guy who is younger than me EVER. AGAIN), and he's a good friend, something that I believe is essential in a relationship; being friends first is always the best way to start a relationship. And yes, I do plan on dating him after the 2 months is over.
My problem is... well... as crazy as it sounds, I enjoyed dating Travis while it lasted, and Nathan is such a sweet guy. I know that Nathan has liked me (don't know if he still does) but I guess, when Travis and I broke up, Nathan was there for me when I needed masculine support (my girlfriends can only do so much for me. Sometimes a girl just needs to know there's a big, strong guy ready to protect her and who will be there for her) and I got to know him more. And then, the San Antonio trip... oh boy... I'd rather not go into detail about that episode(s) but... I guess I just really liked the idea of, "Hey, there's this guy who REALLY likes me, and he's so sweet, and he's seen EVERY side of me. He's been with me through thick and thin, and despite the fact that I dated his best friend, he didn't act like a jerk and try to break us up so he can have me. No, he was cool about it and supportive. And to top it off, he's a good friend." I have always liked the idea of dating (and possibly marrying someday) a guy who knows me inside and out; who has seen every side of me, the good, the bad and the ugly, but who still loves me for me in spite of all that. I guess that's why I feel this attraction to Nathan; he knows more about me than most people do, and yet he accepts me for me.
Call me crazy, call me desperate, call me stupid, call me a slut, a whore, whatever you want, but for the first time in my life, guys are actually taking an interest in me, and it feels AMAZING. I like feeling wanted, sexy and beautiful. So, what does all of this insanity mean for me? Well, the 2 months are almost over, and Alex is coming to see "Zaney Muldaney" (not sure which night yet, but I kind of don't want him to tell me. I want it to be a surprise :-]) and I intend to tell him that we are now officially a couple. If there is one thing I've learned in these last few months, it's that sometimes the one thing that you need after a succession of failed relationships is that one relationship with that one person who has also been through a failed relationship or two and knows what it feels like and who understands you... Sometimes that's what you need in order to heal. Yes, I am a firm believer in "times heals all wounds" and that's why I asked Alex to give me 2 months in order to get my life somewhat back in order and to give my heart some time to heal a little. So now, I think I'm ready to try again. After the last break up, I serious contemplated never dating again, but then I came to realize that that would be the worst thing I could ever do; it's cowardly, and I know that if I swore to never date again, it would be a decision I would regret for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I realize this was a super, ridiculously long post, but a lot has happened to me lately and I felt I needed to get people caught up. So! That's all for now, I guess. It's late now, and I need to go to bed. Got to get up for school tomorrow. Until next time, my dear readers :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment